The season has been so long though. So so long.
How about my girls out there, the ones with POF. How much like a prolonged seasonal affective disorder is this diagnosis? We keep waiting and waiting for summer (which is what... bioidentical hormones, labs to look better, a diet that promises success, and on and on...) And then it is actually just spring; puddles on the way into the grocery store; dirty cars; wet animals; cleaning. Our season and disorder lasts years; for some, a lifetime. I am totally ready to quit being a statistic and start being a success story, but the journey in between, the season in between, is so long sometimes.
Today was one of those days... I received a text that threw me into a rage and I tried to handle it well (cuz I was still at work), but my coworkers mysteriously began mentioning that "you don't seem yourself", and then I realized "Wow. I'm so bad at concealing negative emotion it's not even funny."
[ASIDE: Fear not! I got off work early enough to go for a hike and talk it all out with my gal pal and it was great. We only got snowed on a little bit (thanks Montana. Once you live here you realize it could always be worse), and got compliments on her dog and did a bit of that deep breathing stuff. It was a veritable "remedy is the experience; ...dangerous liaison" kind of afternoon, in the words of the one and only Jason Mraz (who also helped cure my day).]
But back to the subject at hand...
I've been noticing lately that I have been having more frequent visceral reactions to emotions, like shaking with anger, feeling my heart rate go up when I am uncomfortable, getting close to tears when I am happy and sad. It is weird. I have told myself for years that because my hormones are whacked and therefore I have no real feelings, and I have truly believed it. I am wondering now if that was fact or fiction.
As sufferers of a strange, difficult and rare disease, do we accidentally lie to ourselves about the reality and conform to a stereotypical "hormone issues" template?
How about my girls out there, the ones with POF. How much like a prolonged seasonal affective disorder is this diagnosis? We keep waiting and waiting for summer (which is what... bioidentical hormones, labs to look better, a diet that promises success, and on and on...) And then it is actually just spring; puddles on the way into the grocery store; dirty cars; wet animals; cleaning. Our season and disorder lasts years; for some, a lifetime. I am totally ready to quit being a statistic and start being a success story, but the journey in between, the season in between, is so long sometimes.
Today was one of those days... I received a text that threw me into a rage and I tried to handle it well (cuz I was still at work), but my coworkers mysteriously began mentioning that "you don't seem yourself", and then I realized "Wow. I'm so bad at concealing negative emotion it's not even funny."
[ASIDE: Fear not! I got off work early enough to go for a hike and talk it all out with my gal pal and it was great. We only got snowed on a little bit (thanks Montana. Once you live here you realize it could always be worse), and got compliments on her dog and did a bit of that deep breathing stuff. It was a veritable "remedy is the experience; ...dangerous liaison" kind of afternoon, in the words of the one and only Jason Mraz (who also helped cure my day).]
But back to the subject at hand...
I've been noticing lately that I have been having more frequent visceral reactions to emotions, like shaking with anger, feeling my heart rate go up when I am uncomfortable, getting close to tears when I am happy and sad. It is weird. I have told myself for years that because my hormones are whacked and therefore I have no real feelings, and I have truly believed it. I am wondering now if that was fact or fiction.
As sufferers of a strange, difficult and rare disease, do we accidentally lie to ourselves about the reality and conform to a stereotypical "hormone issues" template?
Comments
Post a Comment