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Call Me Crazy

Dear Period,

This summer, I took my first trip to Italy, my first trip overseas in 8 years, my first trip overseas since I lost you, overseas, in Austria, 8 years ago.

Call me crazy, but when I got off the plane in Calgary, for a moment I thought that maybe, in the theme of one of those weird sci-fi novels, traveling, making the flight, would magically bring you back.

I hoped for it for a bit longer than one might think even remotely rational. As I write this, I'm still kind of hoping.

I want to undo what happened. I want to rewind the tape, unwrite the story, go back to that trip to Austria and never go. I have blamed my choices for so long. I have blamed myself for so long.
Is it my fault?

XOXO
Dani

Hey Ladies.

I think guilt is something that many of us have to face and deal with every single day. Somehow our POF is our fault... If only I hadn't... I should have...

This "woulda shoulda coulda" mindset is what I have found is keeping me from healing and from curing this body of mine, whatever the word "cure" means for me. Sometimes (like with this random "maybe my period will return by magic after I fly across the ocean again" daydream) I find myself using my guilt, or my rage or my shame or any one of any number of negative emotions, as a shield from facing my responsibility. My responsibility to claim my health and to work for it. Hard.

I have been waiting for my period to magically return, since it basically magically disappeared.

Maybe now that I have confronted this sentiment, now that I have realized for what seems like the millionth time, that magic will not fix me, that this is not up to chance but up to me and my determination, maybe now I can begin again the road to recovery. 

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