Ladies-
I know I have said before that I am not and have never been super emotional about my diagnosis. I expect things to stay that way, but I did want to mention the confusing thoughts I have been experiencing since becoming an aunt for the first time yesterday.
My brand new nephew was born at the hospital that I work at, so I was able to go visit him on the same day, which was amazing, but terrible at the same time. He is a cutie. I held him and immediately started to think about me.
Seeing babies or people who have babies doesn't usually make me angry, but all I could think in that hospital room and on the way home were what now sound like the most selfish thoughts ever. Because it is supposed to be all about them. All about the baby and the Mom and the Dad and the cute pictures and gurgling and squinting and screaming. But my brain could only think about
-How I will never have kids.
-How they are luckier than me (because this stupid disease seems to be based on nothing but sheer bad luck in my case).
-Oh was labor so hard? I'm so not sorry. At least you can conceive and give birth.
-Breastfeeding isn't going well? Oh look. You have a child to breastfeed so sorry, I have not a lot of pity for you.
I am sure that if I sat here long enough I would have a list as long as my arm of all the negative and selfish things that pop into my head when I let them. And it is so much work to keep them out! You and I and all of us have so much negative momentum attached to this diagnosis and disease pulling on us all day every day that sometimes the fight to not get swept away by it is just too difficult of a job.
When I got home from the hospital my sister was all excited about the baby and said "I can't wait for one of us to have a baby!" and I just retorted "Well. It wont be me." Then I felt bad, because she is sensitive and kind and was just excited about the baby and I came in and managed to be a total killjoy and make her feel sad for me and make her feel bad for mentioning it etc etc...
And I don't even want her (or anyone else's) pity! Why are we like this? Am I the only one in the anger stage of grieving here? I realize now that I was in the denial stage for a very long time, and maybe the anger stage has taken me by surprise or something.
I don't get swept away with sorrow about all this. But I am angry sometimes. What is it like on the other side of the anger? What is it like in the bargaining stage? Is that where I decide to pay a lot of money to fertility specialists if only they can figure out what the heck is going on in my body? Or maybe I buy a lot of organic food and see an endocrinologist who knows what she is talking about... Wait, I should probably be doing that anyways.
And now I feel irresponsible and angry. Great.
I know I have said before that I am not and have never been super emotional about my diagnosis. I expect things to stay that way, but I did want to mention the confusing thoughts I have been experiencing since becoming an aunt for the first time yesterday.
My brand new nephew was born at the hospital that I work at, so I was able to go visit him on the same day, which was amazing, but terrible at the same time. He is a cutie. I held him and immediately started to think about me.
Seeing babies or people who have babies doesn't usually make me angry, but all I could think in that hospital room and on the way home were what now sound like the most selfish thoughts ever. Because it is supposed to be all about them. All about the baby and the Mom and the Dad and the cute pictures and gurgling and squinting and screaming. But my brain could only think about
-How I will never have kids.
-How they are luckier than me (because this stupid disease seems to be based on nothing but sheer bad luck in my case).
-Oh was labor so hard? I'm so not sorry. At least you can conceive and give birth.
-Breastfeeding isn't going well? Oh look. You have a child to breastfeed so sorry, I have not a lot of pity for you.
I am sure that if I sat here long enough I would have a list as long as my arm of all the negative and selfish things that pop into my head when I let them. And it is so much work to keep them out! You and I and all of us have so much negative momentum attached to this diagnosis and disease pulling on us all day every day that sometimes the fight to not get swept away by it is just too difficult of a job.
When I got home from the hospital my sister was all excited about the baby and said "I can't wait for one of us to have a baby!" and I just retorted "Well. It wont be me." Then I felt bad, because she is sensitive and kind and was just excited about the baby and I came in and managed to be a total killjoy and make her feel sad for me and make her feel bad for mentioning it etc etc...
And I don't even want her (or anyone else's) pity! Why are we like this? Am I the only one in the anger stage of grieving here? I realize now that I was in the denial stage for a very long time, and maybe the anger stage has taken me by surprise or something.
I don't get swept away with sorrow about all this. But I am angry sometimes. What is it like on the other side of the anger? What is it like in the bargaining stage? Is that where I decide to pay a lot of money to fertility specialists if only they can figure out what the heck is going on in my body? Or maybe I buy a lot of organic food and see an endocrinologist who knows what she is talking about... Wait, I should probably be doing that anyways.
And now I feel irresponsible and angry. Great.
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